Stress

I am feeling very stressed out. I had several years of easy living and now it is totally catching up with me. There is so much going on in my life right now. First, I am going through a divorce, which is enough stress for one person, but instead it keeps piling up. Murphy is sick and will seem to be getting better and then backslides again. And then of course money is always an issue. And on top of all of that things in my life decide to keep breaking. My dryer just stopped working for no apparent reason and then my phone just died--which of course equals more money. Then trying to sell my house when the market is not even close to good.

Everytime something new happens I say, I can't handle anymore and inevitably something else happens. I don't when the stopping point is because I can't handle it anymore. It is leading me to feel very inferior and uncertain. I am in new territory and handling things on my own now so I feel like I don't have anyone to share the burden with me. It is all riding on my shoulders. I am not getting a break. My head is constantly swirling with all that is going on and it is consuming me. There is this weight in my chest that instead of getting lighter keeps getting heavier everyday.

Anti-social

So I have been very anti-social lately. I would have thought that with all of my spare time that I would be hanging out with people all the time. Instead, I am finding myself alone and not minding it like I thought that I might. I do get bored and wish that I had someone around to talk to whenever I wanted, but I am feeling fairly comfortable in my solitude.

I am a pretty gregarious person so I did not expect to deal with the changes in my life alone. But, it seems that this change is something only I can deal with. I do talk to people about it, but my reflective time has really taught me a lot. I feel like I have begun to really discover myself in my solitude. I know that I have a lot to learn, but it is nice to know that I am spending time getting to know myself. Just me, not attaching my existence to another person. I am finding out who Cara is and I think that is so important. I am anxious and excited to base my decision on myself. But I can tell you that starting over is a scary thing!

Sadness

Sadness is a feeling I usually try to avoid because it doesn't work out so well for me. But every once in a while it sneaks up on me and bites me. Today was one of those days. When I have one of those days all I want to do is curl up into a tiny ball and cry, yet as an adult that is not always a way that it can be handled. For example, today when I was at work those feelings of overwhelming sadness overtook me and of course I can't curl up and block out the rest of the world. I have 20 kids counting on me to be their world.

I have also realized that my moments of overwhelming sadness stem from a variety of things. Very rarely am I just sad for one reason in particular. It is usually a culmination of things that have been occurring. I consider myself a fairly optimistic person, so I usually try to find the bright side of things and put the negative side away. Well all of those negative feelings eventually add up and begin to overflow...thus my rush of sadness.

But of course I did what any good person would do. I struggled through my day and then came home and had a good old fashioned cry. Those are the best. Somehow every time I cry, I can physically feel the emotion being released. And then of course I took a nap because i was physically drained from my emotional outburst (which i am totally entitled to) . I woke up feeling better, not perfect...but better. Those feelings are still in there right now and I am dealing, but at least the overwhelmingness has diminished.